Well, yesterday was my 24th birthday, and it was a day filled with mixed emotions. I’m not someone who enjoys celebrating birthdays, and turning 20 has already started to make me feel anxious about growing old and being stagnant. Even six months ago, I would mistakenly tell people that I was 24 when asked my age because I was preoccupied with the idea of nearing that age.

Initially, I had planned to take the entire day off and spend it alone to avoid feeling negatively overwhelmed. But then, being unoccupied is also overwhelming for me. So, I decided to go to work, thinking that no one there knew it was my birthday. However, to my surprise, my colleagues found out and surprised me with a birthday cake, even though I didn’t really want to celebrate. It was a thoughtful gesture, and I appreciated their kindness, after all I embrace joy of ‘little things’. But it did make me feel even more overwhelmed. Unable to handle the emotions at work, I requested an hour off and headed to my go-to place, the writer’s cafe. There, I could sit in silence, listen to music, and read my book. I spent nearly four hours at the cafe and finished the book – ‘As a Man Thinketh’ by James Allen that I had brought with me. Usually, I carry at least two books, but for some reason, I didn’t have an extra one yesterday. Nonetheless, I decided to treat myself on my so-called birthday and bought two new books – “Who Moved My Cheese” and “The Present” by Dr Spencer Johnson at the writer’s cafe.

I took the time to read another book, which is “Who Moved My Cheese?” At this point, I’m not planning to provide detailed reviews of these two books that I read yesterday. However, I’ve been delving into a lot of self-help literature lately, although I’m not entirely sure if it’s immediately benefiting me. Nevertheless, these books have been prompting me to ponder certain things, and I read them in the hope that they will prove valuable in the future. Of the two books I’ve mentioned, “Who Moved My Cheese?” appealed to me more than “As a Man Thinketh.” “Who Moved My Cheese?” is a metaphorical book that encourages us to place ourselves in different situations and contemplate them. Reading it was a unique experience, and I would recommend both of these books as they are both worth a read.

The staff at the Egmore Writer’s Cafe has gotten to know me at this point, and they allow me to have my space. Sometimes, I even find myself tearing up, and they don’t interfere, but they do check in to see if I need anything. Whether it’s part of their routine or genuine concern, I appreciate the space they give me during these moments. It was my own way of marking my 24th birthday – with a simple cup of Indian filter coffee and some time alone at the writer’s cafe with my books and comfort songs!

I’m not entirely sure where this post is leading, but I want to share my thoughts, especially in light of World Mental Health Day today. Yesterday was a challenging day for me, filled with mixed emotions, and I needed some alone time to cope. After almost four hours of spending my time at Writer’s Cafe, with the intention to not worry my mom further, I left from writer’s cafe around 8 p.m. However, the day didn’t end well as I had a meltdown later in the evening. My so-called family support system attempted to to regulate my emotions by suggesting I work on a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle with them. Haha.

Regarding the importance of today, it’s World Mental Health Day, and I feel compelled to continue discussing my recent emotions. Lately, I haven’t been doing well, but I wake up each day and put in consistent effort to improve my mental health. Work used to be my main distraction, not just a distraction but because I loved my work and workspace. But even there, I find it increasingly difficult to manage myself and be productive in recent times. Unfortunately, in 2023, it’s still challenging to get leave from work for mental health reasons. I often have to invent other reasons to take time off. It’s a sad reality, but as long as I can take breaks to preserve my sanity, I consider it a win. This year’s World Mental Health Day focuses on the theme ‘ “Our minds, our rights” highlighting that “Mental health is a universal human right.” It’s an opportunity for communities to come together to raise awareness and take action to promote and protect mental health as a universal human right.

I’m the kind of person who struggles to seek help, not because I don’t believe in seeking help, but because it’s hard to trust the process and the person providing help. I don’t know if the breaks and efforts I’m making will ultimately help me, but I’m trying to find what works for me. What works for you might not work for me, but I guess that’s okay. Right now, I blame myself for feeling this way and for hurting those who care about me. I don’t want pity or to burden others with worry. People often tell me I’m a strong and bold person, so they wonder why I can’t overcome this. However, I firmly believe that my current struggles with my thoughts and emotions are not related to my strength or boldness. I am still the same independent person who can manage things on her own. However, some things are beyond our control, and for me, that includes the way I feel. It doesn’t make me any less strong.

I really don’t want to blame myself for what I’m going through. I’m already struggling, and this self-blame only makes things worse. I understand that everyone deals with their own mental health issues in one way or another. Just because someone else seems to handle it well doesn’t mean I’m not trying my best or that I’m exaggerating my struggles. I keep reminding myself of this, but it’s still so difficult not to blame myself.

On this Mental Health Day, I want to share something important based on my experiences this year. It’s perfectly okay to feel the way you do. It’s okay if you can’t manage yourself the same way others seem to. It’s okay if meditation, yoga, or other strategies that work for some don’t work for you. It doesn’t make you weak; it makes you uniquely yourself. Don’t stop seeking help or sharing your feelings just because you fear blame or because things haven’t worked out as you hoped. There was a point where I stopped seeking help, and my situation only deteriorated. I’m making an effort, and that’s what matters most. Even if I continue to feel this way, I’ll figure out what to do next, whether I need additional help or not.

From my own experiences, I want to emphasize that it’s crucial not to blame yourself when you’re already dealing with so much. Try talking to people who won’t make you feel judged or blamed. Right now, I feel okay opening up to my psychologist and 3-4 individuals who don’t judge me. Overcoming the self-blame feeling isn’t easy, I know, because even as I write this, I still feel like I’m the problem. But it’s okay; keep trying and believe in your support system. Try to have faith and trust in at least a few people so that you don’t completely drown yourself.

In conclusion, my 24th birthday and World Mental Health Day 2023 were a unique blend of emotions and reflections, prompting me to embrace vulnerability and share my recent journey. Here are some key takeaways from my journey:

• Understand that it’s perfectly okay to feel the way you do, and you don’t need to compare your struggles to others. You don’t always have to have an explanation for the way you feel.
• Don’t compare your mental health journey to others; yes, everyone has their unique struggles and coping mechanisms, but it is okay if what worked for them does not work for you. It does not mean you are not trying enough, or it does not make you weak
• Self-blame can only make your situation worse, so try to be compassionate and understanding toward yourself.
• Avoid self-blame and remember that some things are beyond your control, and feeling a certain way doesn’t make you any less strong.
• Even if you feel like you’re the problem, keep trying and believe in your support system.
• Trust in at least a few people who won’t judge you, and remember that you don’t have to go through it all alone.
• Don’t stop seeking help or sharing your feelings due to fear of blame or past setbacks.
• Embrace your vulnerability and acknowledge your mixed emotions, even if you do feel low for no reason on special occasions like birthdays or if you are not able to celebrate your victories or any milestones.
• It is okay to have alone time when needed to avoid feeling overwhelmed.
• Don’t hesitate to take breaks or seek help for mental health reasons, even if it means faking your reasons to get that break.
• It’s okay if traditional strategies like meditation or yoga don’t work for you; find what suits you best.
• Effort matters the most, and even if you continue to face challenges, keep trying and seeking support.

In summary, my journey has taught me to be kinder to myself, acknowledge my vulnerability, and continue seeking help and support, regardless of any setbacks. To put it simply, I don’t write about my journey in a diary or blog to seek pity, instead, I do it with the aim to keep me sane and motivated. Mental health is indeed a universal human right, and by sharing my experiences, I hope to contribute to the ongoing dialogue surrounding mental health awareness and the destigmatization of seeking help when needed.